My dance instructor

told me dancing would

get me far. But only

if I left now.

.

2.

The first time

I took drugs,

I saw God,

and He was with

my parents,

and they all

agreed that I

was grounded.

Blue is the

color of my

true love

when she shows

me how long

she can hold

her breath.

The sea calls to me.

It says,

“Hey, George!

Get a load of all

this patience!”

If you invite

Marshalls & TJ Maxx

to the same holiday

party,

don’t be surprised

when they start

making inappropriate

comments about

Nordstrom’s Rack.

.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

3.

Sometimes

I worry about

getting old.

***

Then I remember

the 104 year old

who jumped out

of an airplane

for his birthday

***

And I realize–

It’s never too late, folks.

***

But unlike that guy,

I would advise you wear

a parachute.

.

I got tired of always

misplacing my keys,

only to find them again,

later, in the last place

I would think to look.

***

So, now, I just

leave them in the

last place I would

think to look.

***

Right at this moment,

my keys are in a

jar of grape jelly.

.

2.

Another problem solved thru trefology!

When I am at

a restaurant,

I don’t want

the waiter to

tell me the

soup of the day,

I want him to

tell me the

soup of to-morrow,

so, I

can invest,

accordingly.

***

FOOTNOTE:

Past soup is no

indication of

future soup.

In an orchestra

the French horn

is often the most

arrogant.

My friend J. told me

if I get nervous

speaking in front of

large groups

try to picture the

audience without any

clothes on.

***

But I don’t have that

good of an imagination.

***

So, instead,

***

I just ask the

audience to please

picture me naked.

.

2.

There was

a fourth man

in the tub

with

the butcher,

the baker

and the

candlestick maker,

but no one

remembers him,

because,

he was

between jobs.