I bet few senators

were happy with

Caligula appointing a

horse as consul.

But, then — after a time,

I can easily see

them all

standing around

discussing hay.

.

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.

In my experience,

there are two kinds of

peanut brittle you

can buy at the store

***

One comes in a can with

peanut brittle inside.

The other contains snakes.

***

And you never know

which you’ll get.

***

Once I got some peanut brittle

as a gift,

and thinking myself clever,

I gave it to my friend to open first.

***

“Thank you,” she said.

Then she opened it,

and ate a piece.

***

So I was about to take

a piece, too,

when snakes sprang

out of her mouth.

.

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Point of

clarification

***

The Frankincense

Monster

was not named

Frankincense.

That was just

what he

smelled like.

.

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Dad threatened

to pull over the

car if we didn’t

stop misbehaving.

***

So we stopped misbehaving.

***

And Dad, true to

his word, didn’t

pull over the car.

***

Not even when we

passed our house.

***

He just kept

driving and driving.

***

“Always be true to your nature,”

said Dad, merging

onto the interstate.

.

.

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If I jumped out of

a plane and my

parachute failed

to deploy, the

first thing I’d

do is look

for a haystack.

***

If no haystack

is forthcoming,

then I would look

for a pile of

old mattresses.

***

If no pile of

old mattresses

is forthcoming,

***

then I would

change tactics and

start looking

for somebody who

owes me money.

***

If no one who

owes me money

is forthcoming,

***

I suppose I

would just start

flapping my arms

.

.

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The

Lady of the Lake

used to live

behind my house.

***

Every now and again,

she’d emerge from

the water and give me

something.

***

Like, Excalibur’s

old cracked boat oar.

***

Excalibur’s

single flip-flop.

***

Excalibur’s

Coke bottle

with mud in it. 

***

Excalibur’s

wallet & I.D.

***

Then one day she

gave me Excalibur’s

left femur bone

***

and that’s when

we had to involve

the authorities

.

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Alexamenos.

***

Alexamenos claps

between movements.

***

Alexamenos thanks

people who didn’t

help him.

***

Alexamenos tries to

whistle but fails.

***

Alexamenos holds

the door for

someone still in

the parking lot.

***

Alexamenos asks the

time when standing

near a sundial.

***

Alexamenos lives a

hop, skip, and a jump from a

puddle, ditch, and a cliff.

***

Alexamenos rides a

bicycle built for Lou.

***

Alexamenos requests

Dvorak on the

classical station and

then falls asleep

before it plays.

***

Alexamenos believes the

automatic bowling pin

resetter mocks him.

***

Alexamenos stays till the

very end.

***

Alexamenos.

.

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I always print my

résumé on tortillas.

Then, depending on

how I believe the

interview is going,

I either hand it

to them,

or start eating it.

.

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Remember —

To-day is the last

day before the

first day of the

rest of your life

to-morrow!

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I don’t know why

I’m always

forgetting the land

that time forgot.

***

It seems like

something I would

be interested in.

***

But — I forget. And

then a friend will

remind me that it’s

only about a mile from

my apartment building.

***

“Oh yeh,” I’ll say, as

we drive past the exit,

suddenly remembering

… the land.

.

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