In my experience,

there are two kinds of

peanut brittle you

can buy at the store

***

One comes in a can with

peanut brittle inside.

The other contains snakes.

***

And you never know

which you’ll get.

***

Once I got some peanut brittle

as a gift,

and thinking myself clever,

I gave it to my friend to open first.

***

“Thank you,” she said.

Then she opened it,

and ate a piece.

***

So I was about to take

a piece, too,

when snakes sprang

out of her mouth.

.

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Point of

clarification

***

The Frankincense

Monster

was not named

Frankincense.

That was just

what he

smelled like.

.

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Dad threatened

to pull over the

car if we didn’t

stop misbehaving.

***

So we stopped misbehaving.

***

And Dad, true to

his word, didn’t

pull over the car.

***

Not even when we

passed our house.

***

He just kept

driving and driving.

***

“Always be true to your nature,”

said Dad, merging

onto the interstate.

.

.

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If I jumped out of

a plane and my

parachute failed

to deploy, the

first thing I’d

do is look

for a haystack.

***

If no haystack

is forthcoming,

then I would look

for a pile of

old mattresses.

***

If no pile of

old mattresses

is forthcoming,

***

then I would

change tactics and

start looking

for somebody who

owes me money.

***

If no one who

owes me money

is forthcoming,

***

I suppose I

would just start

flapping my arms

.

.

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The

Lady of the Lake

used to live

behind my house.

***

Every now and again,

she’d emerge from

the water and give me

something.

***

Like, Excalibur’s

old cracked boat oar.

***

Excalibur’s

single flip-flop.

***

Excalibur’s

Coke bottle

with mud in it. 

***

Excalibur’s

wallet & I.D.

***

Then one day she

gave me Excalibur’s

left femur bone

***

and that’s when

we had to involve

the authorities

.

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Alexamenos.

***

Alexamenos claps

between movements.

***

Alexamenos thanks

people who didn’t

help him.

***

Alexamenos tries to

whistle but fails.

***

Alexamenos holds

the door for

someone still in

the parking lot.

***

Alexamenos asks the

time when standing

near a sundial.

***

Alexamenos lives a

hop, skip, and a jump from a

puddle, ditch, and a cliff.

***

Alexamenos rides a

bicycle built for Lou.

***

Alexamenos requests

Dvorak on the

classical station and

then falls asleep

before it plays.

***

Alexamenos believes the

automatic bowling pin

resetter mocks him.

***

Alexamenos stays till the

very end.

***

Alexamenos.

.

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I always print my

résumé on tortillas.

Then, depending on

how I believe the

interview is going,

I either hand it

to them,

or start eating it.

.

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Remember —

To-day is the last

day before the

first day of the

rest of your life

to-morrow!

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I don’t know why

I’m always

forgetting the land

that time forgot.

***

It seems like

something I would

be interested in.

***

But — I forget. And

then a friend will

remind me that it’s

only about a mile from

my apartment building.

***

“Oh yeh,” I’ll say, as

we drive past the exit,

suddenly remembering

… the land.

.

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My dad says his dad

took him to Disneyland

in the 1950s. But

when they got there,

they discovered that

Disneyland was still

just orange groves.

So they had to turn back.

***

Then, twenty years on,

my dad took me to

Disneyland. And again—

just orange groves.

So we turned back.

***

Now, though,

all these years later,

I’m beginning to think

my family may not

have the correct address

.

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