Growing up, all of us kids
knew the stories of the
ghostly Lady in White.
***
The Lady in White was said
to roam the woods near
our house and surprise hikers
by jumping out from behind
a tree and firing a
t-shirt gun at their head.
***
As the legend goes, the hikers
would be found days later,
pale, hungry, shivering and
wearing a t-shirt that read:
“I got surprised by the Lady in White.”
.
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The Four F’s
***
Say, pardner, have you been
wondering where you can
wrassle-up the best bowl
of canned Spaghetti-O’s
in the West?
***
Well, Cowpoke,
quit yer stupid wonderin’,
because the answer lies at
the Chef Boyardee factory
in Milton, Pennsylvania!
***
Guaranteed the farmin’est,
freshest, fra-sauciest
bowl of Spaghetti-O’s
this side of the Pecos.
***
Or my name isn’t George Raymond!
***
And, hey —
when you get there,
be sure to tell ’em
George sent you.
***
And if they ask you
who George is — tell ’em,
***
“A beautiful, beautiful man.”
.
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.
Firewater65 has written a
poem in the spirit of Trefology.
And I, for one, am here to say,
“It’s about time somebody did.”
***
Click here to read.
***
Or here.
***
But not here.
The Kingston Trio
never sang the verse
***
“Where have all
the corn chips gone”
***
because they knew
damn well where
they had gone.
.
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I bet few senators
were happy with
Caligula appointing a
horse as consul.
But, then — after a time,
I can easily see
them all
standing around
discussing hay.
.
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.
In my experience,
there are two kinds of
peanut brittle you
can buy at the store
***
One comes in a can with
peanut brittle inside.
The other contains snakes.
***
And you never know
which you’ll get.
***
Once I got some peanut brittle
as a gift,
and thinking myself clever,
I gave it to my friend to open first.
***
“Thank you,” she said.
Then she opened it,
and ate a piece.
***
So I was about to take
a piece, too,
when snakes sprang
out of her mouth.
.
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Point of
clarification
***
The Frankincense
Monster
was not named
Frankincense.
That was just
what he
smelled like.
.
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Dad threatened
to pull over the
car if we didn’t
stop misbehaving.
***
So we stopped misbehaving.
***
And Dad, true to
his word, didn’t
pull over the car.
***
Not even when we
passed our house.
***
He just kept
driving and driving.
***
“Always be true to your nature,”
said Dad, merging
onto the interstate.
.
.
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If I jumped out of
a plane and my
parachute failed
to deploy, the
first thing I’d
do is look
for a haystack.
***
If no haystack
is forthcoming,
then I would look
for a pile of
old mattresses.
***
If no pile of
old mattresses
is forthcoming,
***
then I would
change tactics and
start looking
for somebody who
owes me money.
***
If no one who
owes me money
is forthcoming,
***
I suppose I
would just start
flapping my arms
.
.
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When I was a kid, my
mom got me a t-shirt
with a big S on it.
***
Excited, I put it on,
ran outside and spent
the sum of the
afternoon pretending I
was the Samsung corp.
***
“One VCR coming up!”
I’d say, making a sale.
***
When the mailman came,
I pretended to type up
a service agreement.
***
“One moment, please”
I said,
tap, tap, tapping
away at my make-
believe typewriter,
stamping it twice,
signing both copies,
handing him his.
***
“And if there
are any problems,
you can reach me
at this number,
day or night,” I said,
pointing to
the number six.
***
When my mom heard this,
she came outside and
explained that, actually
the “S” on the t-shirt
stood for Superman, not Samsung.
***
“Ahh, Superman,” I said,
leaning back in my chair,
feet up on the desk.
“I think I may have to
loop my supervisor in on this.”
.
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The
Lady of the Lake
used to live
behind my house.
***
Every now and again,
she’d emerge from
the water and give me
something.
***
Like, Excalibur’s
old cracked boat oar.
***
Excalibur’s
single flip-flop.
***
Excalibur’s
Coke bottle
with mud in it.
***
Excalibur’s
wallet & I.D.
***
Then one day she
gave me Excalibur’s
left femur bone
***
and that’s when
we had to involve
the authorities
.
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