When I die
I want to
have a
post-mortem photo
taken of me
for posterity,
***
just as they did
in the
Victorian Age
***
My family gathered around me …
everybody in great sorrow
***
Except, I want
the photo to be taken
at one of those
old-timey photo studios
like, they
have at the wharf,
***
That way,
if anybody
should ever
inquire
as to what had
become of me
***
my family
can tell them,
proudly,
I died
back in the days of the Old West.
2.
all hail.
I think
my cousin, Bob,
has ADHD&D,
because Bob is
very easily
distracted by
dungeons
and dragons.
I shouldn’t have
lied during the
job interview.
***
I know that now.
***
Like when
I told them
I was an
arm-wrestling
champion
***
and I lived under the sea
***
and I knew Excel
***
and I have twelve fingers,
… on each hand
***
But mostly,
I regret the Excel part
***
because that was
the one thing
they tested me on.
2.
.
“She Hasn’t Got a Mean Bone”
written and performed
by George J. Raymond
copyright © 2023
3.
She goes to church on Sunday
She goes to work on Monday
She does the very best she can
***
She loves her mother
She loves her father
Takes good care of her man
***
She hasn’t got a mean bone
***
If she ever got in trouble
it would surely pop her bubble
***
And it’s gonna break my heart
to watch her fall apart
***
Lies — she don’t tell ’em
Alibis — she don’t use ’em
She’s always true to herself
***
She sees the good in you
Ignores the bad in you
She gives everybody an even chance
***
She hasn’t got a mean bone.
4.
Happy 81st Birthday, Dad!
Don’t worry!
***
It’s human
nature to
want to fly
like a bird.
***
And, then,
once
you are flying
like a bird,
***
Your tired arms flapping all about
***
It’s human
nature to
want to stop,
***
and, maybe,
***
rest for a spell
on yon
electrical pole.
If I ever went
over
Niagara Falls
in a barrel,
***
it would not be willingly.
***
So, if that is how I go,
***
then, it was murder!
Just like the
famous Welsh singer
Tom Jones,
***
My dad fancied
himself to be
“the hardest working man in show-business”
***
Even though,
he was not in
show-business
***
But we played along, anyway
***
Like, when dad
would grill burgers
in the backyard
***
we’d all gather
’round nearby,
on the patio
***
and throw
panties at him.
A lot of people say,
“Go, Google it”
when they want to
look-up something,
but I am from an
older generation,
so, I still say,
“Go, Funk & Wagnall it”.
2.
3.
In grammar school
all the kids
called me,
“Fancy Pants”,
but they
weren’t wrong.
When I was a kid,
my mom taught me
a simple trick,
so, I wouldn’t cry
when I
sliced an onion
***
Stop giving them names and personalities.
***
Like I had done
with my
very good friend,
Paul Onion.
***
Then, she taught
me a simple trick,
so, I wouldn’t cry
when I ate
cantaloupe slices
***
and, lo,
it was the same trick!
While going through some old boxes, looking for my kazoo, I found
the written record, taken by me, of an unfortunate
incident at my first rented flat in San Francisco in 1985
***
6 a.m.
House-mate awakens
feeling violently ill.
***
6:15 a.m.
Woken by his cries,
I immediately
fall back to sleep.
***
6:30 a.m.
Woken, again, by
his cries, I rush
to the kitchen,
and fix myself
a heaping burlap
satchel of waffles.
***
06:45 a.m.
I call the doctor.
***
07:30 a.m.
Doctor arrives,
rushes to
the kitchen,
and
fixes himself a
heaping burlap
satchel of waffles.
***
08:30 a.m.
Doctor goes to House-mate’s room.
Sends in a canary.
***
11:59 a.m.
Canary returns
with a renewed
sense of pride,
an olive branch,
and a
heaping burlap
satchel of waffles.
***
12:01 p.m.
Doctor administers medicine
***
12:02 p.m.
House-mate feels better
***
12:03 p.m.
House-mate dies.
***
12:30 p.m.
Doctor composes the Magic Flute
***
12:45 p.m.
Austrian Deluxe singer Falco records ‘Rock Me Amadeus’.
***
1:00 p.m.
George runs out of ideas for time-line bit.
***
1:03 p.m
George begins working on next bit.
t r e f o l o g y 