Listen up, Jerks!

***

Don’t you hate it

when you have to

apologize for something

you said, even

though, deep down,

you really don’t

regret saying it?

***

Well, me, too.

***

And, hey —

***

I’m sorry I called you all jerks.

.

---

2.

---

3.

“Bless You”

would be

a good slogan

for the

pepper industry

What does

my ex-

girlfriend,

the x-ray

technician,

see in her

new

boyfriend,

anyway?

I once

saw a man

beaten

with a ruler

within

an inch of

his life.

Contrary

to popular

opinion,

are all my

opinions.

Proboscisless Steve,

was a wise man.

He used to say to me,

“George, if you put

your nose to the

grindstone —

you are going to

experience some

intense pain.

So— I wouldn’t

recommend it

Life can be unfair.

Take me, for example.

***

I lost my hair.

My father, he lost his hair.

***

And yet, to the day he died,

my grand-father had a thick

head of long fiery red hair.

***

Though he had it

on his buttocks.

.

---

2.

I’m an easy-going

guy.

When I go into a

shoe-store and

they ask me what

size do I want,

I say, what

size do you got?

q.

Did you hear about

the guy who passed a

kidney stone on the highway?

a.

It scared him to death,

he thought it was a cop!

.

---

My boss said

I would find a

“little something extra”

in my pay envelope

this week,

but it turned out to be

some warm spit.

“I’ll give you

something to

cry about,”

said the Bully,

***

handing me his copy

of the book,

Bridge to Terabithia

***

Then he punched me

in the face, anyway.

***

“That’s in case you’re illiterate,”

said the Bully.

.

---

2.