When I am at

a restaurant,

I don’t want

the waiter to

tell me the

soup of the day,

I want him to

tell me the

soup of to-morrow,

so, I

can invest,

accordingly.

***

FOOTNOTE:

Past soup is no

indication of

future soup.

In an orchestra

the French horn

is often the most

arrogant.

My friend J. told me

if I get nervous

speaking in front of

large groups

try to picture the

audience without any

clothes on.

***

But I don’t have that

good of an imagination.

***

So, instead,

***

I just ask the

audience to please

picture me naked.

.

---

2.

---

There was

a fourth man

in the tub

with

the butcher,

the baker

and the

candlestick maker,

but no one

remembers him,

because,

he was

between jobs.

The only way

I will ever play

Carnegie Hall

is if I

hunker down

and practice,

practice,

practice,

my lock-picking skills

I saw a ship

at the pier

and wondered

how it would

look inside

of a bottle.

In the olden days

I probably would

have been

the Town-Crier,

because

I’m always sad

about one-thing

or, another.

>

---

2.

If the guy who

wrote the

“shave & a haircut

two-bits” song

were to return

to life,

walk into a barber

shop,

and see what they charge

to-day for the

same

he’d probably say,

***

“Five hundred bits?!”

.

Lately,

I’ve been

keeping

a daily

lucid-dream

journal.

Or — so,

I thought …

I have a trick knee.

***

So, I always know

when it’s raining.

Because when it rains,

my trick knee

gets wet.

***

I have an umbrella

***

but its one of those

cocktail umbrellas

and, so it only covers

one-half a trick knee.

.