The sign on the elevator said
‘Out of Order’
and that was alright.
I was in no hurry.
“Whichever order is fine with me, elevator!” I said, as I stepped in.
But instead of an adventure in randomity,
I was taken directly
to the basement floor.
Where I remained
for two weeks.
I wasn’t told that my
nanny was not human,
but made of metal, with wires and springs,
until after I had left for school.
But that didn’t
make me miss
my Nanna Toaster any less.
They call it a moon-pie,
but add some spicy hot chili sauce to it
and guess what?
You’ve ruined it.
Trefology: Remember the ‘ology’ stands for apology
Burying a skeleton
in a coffin
is just about the worst practical joke you can play
on a worm
A wise man once said to me,
Live every day to its fullest —
for to-morrow, you could walk outside,
& be hit by a speeding bus with giant spears
sticking out the front of it.
That man’s name was Mad Max.
I wish I could
go back in time
to the 1920s.
For if I could,
I’d fullfil my life-long dream of
being a tin-pan alley songwriter.
And if I was lucky,
and I worked hard at my craft,
maybe I could get Bing Crosby to sing my new hit song,
Strawberry Fields Forever
*
When I was a kid I wanted to
learn how to play the piano,
but my parents couldn’t afford to
buy me an entire piano,
but they did get me the piano stool.
So, I mostly practiced my posture.
But you know what?
I was good.
Why do people always
ask me to sit down before
telling me bad news?
What if the bad news is that
my favorite chair
has been stolen?
Because, as in this example,
sitting down
is just going to make me
feel worse
Our founder relaxes in isolation with a good book, a pipe and a sunny attitude
After carefully weighing
all of my options,
I used the first of my three wishes,
granted to me by the genie,
for ONE MILLION FISHES.
The genie nodded his head and said,
“I here-by grant you one million wishes!”
I shook my head in frustration.
I explained to him that I had said, f-i-s-h-e-s!
One million fishes.
The genie just stopped & gave me a real funny look.
And then, it suddenly hit me —
this guy was not listening to me at all.
When camping, in order
to ward off scavenging bears,
it is recommended that you hang your food
high in the trees,
because the food will appear to be floating,
and if there is one thing a bear does not like
it’s unexplained phenomena.
Seen near the Nevada border
They say that when the head
is severed from the body,
there re-mains a single
moment of consciousness.
If that is true, and I was to be guillotined,
my head dropped into a basket,
I pray I won’t find another severed-head all ready in it,
because that would freak me out.
Worried about the flu-virus?
Just toss a coin into the wishing well.
Worried about your job?
Toss a coin into the wishing well.
Worried about the government?
Toss a coin into the wishing well.
No coin for the wishing well?
The wishing well also accepts credit cards.
Just toss ’em in.
DIS-CLAIMER:
Do not wish for the return of your credit cards.
