I do every-thing
by the book
and that book is
titled,
Oh no! I Fucked Things Up Again
Author: Geo. Raymond
Kind of a jerk, actually.
Revolutions
ONE day,
long after I have
shaved my last shave,
someone may turn to
someone else, and say,
“I bet George is
spinning in his grave.”
***
And no doubt
they will hit that square
on the chin,
for what else is there to
do in a grave, but spin?
***
Still, who can
reasonably say, I thought,
for maybe that day,
my plan was to stay
completely still, and rot
***
That is why my friends
I come to-day to tout
that my grave is to be
automated,
so as to erase all doubt.
***
Just press the button
on my tomb-stone,
you’ll be happy you enquired.
And what’s best,
the button is free
to press!
No offense in my name
required.
***
AND finally then,
my friend,
for certain you will know,
for six feet
under-ground,
there I go!
Round and round and
round
***
Weeee!
Three chairs for trefology
I know I tend to
preach to the choir,
but, deep down,
what I really want,
is just for them
to sing to me.
A vow to my loyal readers
If I
should
ever see a van
and it’s
a-rockin’
***
I promise you
to
never come
a-knockin’
***
unless,
of course,
it is my
car
the van’s
a-blockin’
Guardian of the super moist
Last night,
I was visited
by
the Angel of Food Cake!
***
Now exactly how this
angel got into my room
I do not know, as the door
was locked, but she
tapped a few times
on my forehead to wake
me up.
***
The angel was dressed
entirely in paper & string,
and in her grip she held a
flaming cake-stand, made
of the finest Bakelite.
***
I asked the angel if
she had come from
heaven to bring me
cake.
***
But the angel
just laughed,
and said,
“Like you need cake.”
***
I said,
“Aww, come on,
please, angel,
I’ll put on some coffee.
It’ll be great.”
***
And lo,
the angel presented me with a
large cake of orange hue,
which I instantly recognized.
***
“Wait, carrot cake?”
I said.
“I hate carrot cake.”
***
Parenthetically, dear readers,
Carrot cake is the worst.
***
It’s like,
when you were a kid and
your parents told you there
would be NO desert unless
you ate all vegetables on
your plate.
— So, you did —
only to discover, later,
that dessert, was
more vegetables!
***
But, in reply, the angel
only smiled, winked an eye,
and exited out my bed-room
window
***
The next morning,
I left the carrot cake in the
office break-room,
un-touched, and still on
the flaming cake stand.
***
A few minutes later
I heard someone say,
“Oh, cake!” And, then,
“Ew.”
***
I hear you brother.
The christmas lesson
I’ll never forget the
Christmas our parents
told us that,
because it had been
a hard year, financially,
we could only ask for
one present a-piece
***
So, that Christmas
all that I asked for were
scarlet ribbons.
***
Pretty scarlet ribbons for my hair.
***
And come
Christmas morning,
I got them, too.
And they were
as beautiful as you
may imagine.
***
My sister got a
new computer, though,
and suddenly,
I realized
what I fool I had been.
***
Stupid ribbons.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
IN this undated photo, Our Founder, deep in contemplation, relaxes by a warm fire, smoking a pretend pipe, and wondering, perhaps, what became of his actual pipe.
To know a man
They say you can’t
really know a man
until you spend
a day in his shoes.
***
But what of the man
who refuses to let me
wear his shoes?
***
And what of the man
who then threatens
physical violence
after I attempt to remove
his shoes anyway?
***
Can we ever really
know that man?
***
No, probably not.
***
At least, not without
those shoes.
The Couch Elf by Mary Cellini
©2021
Hanker!
Remember,
no matter what you
try to accomplish
in life,
no matter what you
try to do,
quitters never prosper,
UNLESS
they are the greatest
quitters of all
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Opportunity knocks
GIVEN the
opportunity
a sentient
book cover
would,
absolutely,
judge me
Stop light at Vermont and Ambrose
Good spelling is essential
BACK in the 1950’s
if you were going to
Dial M for Murder,
you had better be ready
to dial
some other letters, too,
if you wanted to
complete the call.
t r e f o l o g y 