I remember the

Christmas I

asked for

Lincoln Logs.

***

That’s all I wanted

***

Lincoln Logs

***

But my folks were

practical people,

***

and instead of Lincoln Logs,

***

they got me

some Eisenhower

artificial

wood-paneling.

***

So, on

Christmas morning,

while my friends

were playing with

their Lincoln Logs,

building

forts and cabins

***

I was re-doing the den.

.

Department

stores should

have a Santa

just for

ventriloquist

dummies.

If, one day,

I wake up and

discover that

I have been

accidentally

buried alive,

the first thing

I’m going to

do — is panic.

If I ever get a

flesh-eating disease,

I’m going to slather

some chocolate on me,

and see if it starts

eating that, instead.

One day, I want to

open-up a small

Bnbnbnbnbnbnbnb.

***

That’s bed, breakfast, beep, beep, bing, bong, blap, bloop.

***

Weekends only.

***

Payment in advance.

***

Robots welcome.

Once, a beautiful woman

agreed to marry me

— on one condition.

I must never ask her

to remove the ribbon

from around her neck.

***

Naturally, I agreed.

And for years, we

were happy.

***

But I could not

stop thinking about

the ribbon. The very

thought of it began

to drive me insane.

***

So one night,

as she slept,

I reached over and

carefully eased

the ribbon away from

around her neck.

***

And for a moment

everything

seemed OK ..

THEN HER HEAD ROLLED OFF!

***

I gasped and watched as

her head rolled across

the bed. Our eyes met

for the last time in this

life, and she said,

***

“I am sure this raises far more questions than it answers.”

I hope who-ever

invented the wheel

didn’t invent it

on top of a hill.

***

Or good-bye, invention.

A man

is never

standing

so tall

as when

he is

standing

on stilts.

As a kid I wanted to

be a magician,

but magic tricks were

really expensive.

So I had to improvise.

***

I’d go to Mervyn’s

department store,

and thinking myself sly,

I’d say

***

“I’d like to buy one

handkerchief, please,

— that is connected to

a hundred other

handkerchiefs.”

.

I’m an easy-going

guy.

If faced with

execution, and

asked if I had

any last words,

I’d just shake

my head and say,

***

“Nah, let’s just enjoy the moment.”

.

2.