If I ever get a

flesh-eating disease,

I’m going to slather

some chocolate on me,

and see if it starts

eating that, instead.

 

One day, I want to

open-up a small

Bnbnbnbnbnbnbnb.

***

That’s bed, breakfast, beep, beep, bing, bong, blap, bloop.

***

Weekends only.

***

Payment in advance.

***

Robots welcome.

Once, a beautiful woman

agreed to marry me

— on one condition.

I must never ask her

to remove the ribbon

from around her neck.

***

Naturally, I agreed.

And for years, we

were happy.

***

But I could not

stop thinking about

the ribbon. The very

thought of it began

to drive me insane.

***

So one night,

as she slept,

I reached over and

carefully eased

the ribbon away from

around her neck.

***

And for a moment

everything

seemed OK ..

THEN HER HEAD ROLLED OFF!

***

I gasped and watched as

her head rolled across

the bed. Our eyes met

for the last time in this

life, and she said,

***

“I am sure this raises far more questions than it answers.”

I hope who-ever

invented the wheel

didn’t invent it

on top of a hill.

***

Or good-bye, invention.

A man

is never

standing

so tall

as when

he is

standing

on stilts.

 

As a kid I wanted to

be a magician,

but magic tricks were

really expensive.

So I had to improvise.

***

I’d go to Mervyn’s

department store,

and thinking myself sly,

I’d say

***

“I’d like to buy one

handkerchief, please,

— that is connected to

a hundred other

handkerchiefs.”

.

 

I’m an easy-going

guy.

If faced with

execution, and

asked if I had

any last words,

I’d just shake

my head and say,

***

“Nah, let’s just enjoy the moment.”

.

---

2.

Each time my dad

would return from a

business trip

he’d always bring

me a present.

***

Sometimes it was

a pull tab,

***

or a bottle top,

***

or bits of string,

***

or some paper clips.

***

Then one day my mom

told me that he wasn’t

my real dad but a crow.

***

And worse,

***

they were splitting up.

.

The church asked me

to denounce Satan,

but I had mixed

feelings about it

***

What if I am not

on Satan’s radar?

But then I go and

open my mouth

and denounce him.

***

And Satan is like,

***

“Give a moment. Who is this George guy?”

I always thought

time was on my side,

but it appears I was

played for a chump.