My mom says one morning
she opened the door to
take out the empty milk
bottles and found me in a
basket on her doorstep.
She said, pinned to my
pajama collar was a note
that said, “Mrs. Raymond—
This is your baby.
Please stop leaving
it on my doorstep.”
.
.
My friends always make
fun of my eye-glasses
with little windshield
wiper blades on them.
***
But, I know I couldn’t
be the only one who
reads in the shower.
***
Still, I wonder —
***
would my friend still be
laughing
if I shoved these glasses so
far up their ass that they’re
begging to own a pair, too?
***
My guess would be no.
.
Cartoon characters
can survive being
shot in the face,
blown up by dynamite,
and falling from
tremendous heights.
So to hear Elmer Fudd
died during a simple
appendectomy procedure
makes no sense to me.
.
The gangster got up
and walked into the next
room. But when he got
there he could no longer
remember why he got up.
***
“That’s the Doorway Effect.”
said Sancho, laughing.
“Just come back in the room.
Sit down. And the idea will
return to you.”
***
So the gangster did. And as
soon as he did he remembered.
***
“Oh yeh! Get the gun. Kill Sancho.”
.
I’m thinking about
the things we used
to do that rhymed.
***
Like, practice gymkata.
***
Get the stigmata.
***
Make some frittatas …
***
Eat quite a-lotta.
***
Yes, I’m thinking about
the things we used
to do that rhymed.
.
A new laundromat
opened on my block. And
I did my laundry the
day of the Grand Opening.
***
Later, my girlfriend
asked what I thought
of the laundromat.
And I blurted out, “Grand!”
***
But then I felt dumb
for using the same word
that was on the banner.
***
So I quickly added,
***
“Awe-inspiring.”
.
2.
3.
—Love
*
Love is
like a
river.
A terrible terrible river.
.
Writing
things down
seems like
a good idea
—on paper.
.
PROMOTED AD
What was eft is newt.
Trefology
When I was a kid
I knew I was almost
done with my soup
when I could see
the smiling face
of a clown at the
bottom of the bowl.
***
But it was the before.
***
Knowing he was down
there, unseen. That’s
what made me worry.
Because-who knows how
long that clown
could hold its breath.
.
2.
featured reader
Chewie.
When my Magic 8-ball tells me to
“Ask again later”
***
I assume it’s because
the demon that lives
inside the magic 8-ball
is probably
busy taking a bath,
***
or ironing a shirt.
***
or baking a cake
***
But, look — I know
I’m being ridiculous.
***
Because, really–
that demon could
be busy doing
literally anything.
.
2
I have decided to
put-off ALL further
confrontations until
after I am no more.
***
Going forward,
if someone tries
to start something
with me, I’ll say,
***
“Friend, let’s have this conversation, later, in heaven.”
***
Then, later,
in heaven,
if I run into
them again,
I’ll just say,
***
“You know what?
***
This is really a conversation for back on earth.”
.
t r e f o l o g y 