I once saw a chimney sweep

vigorously shaking hands

with himself.

“Good luck, Guv’nor.” he said,

before splitting into

two versions of himself.

If I am

the only

one standing

in line,

am I standing

in line?

 

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I thought I

was being clever

asking for no

ice in my soda.

Until i was served a

scalding hot

glass of Coke

.

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trefology spontaneously appears around the globe

Every morning I read

 page from the

Book of Positive Tuba Affirmations.

***

“Nobody plays the tuba like you do.”

I say to myself.

“You are the greatest tuba player

in the history of the universe.”

***

Some days, though,

I don’t know why

I waste my time.

***

I don’t play the tuba.

And reading it just

makes me sad about

what I might have been.

 

Within a week of

moving to Los Angeles

my bike was stolen.

***

So I bought another,

and within one week,

that bike was stolen

***

So then I bought a unicycle.

***

Because

nobody ever steals a unicycle.

***

And if they do,

it’s only for a

couple of feet

To prove to the

authorities they

had the dancer, 

Thumbalina, 

the kidnappers sent

the police her

severed thumb.

But their evil plans

were foiled —

because that was all of her

.

---

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***

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---

They say Casper was a friendly ghost but an angry drunk

---

Keep circulating the URL

Spontaneous-

combustion

is likely the

only thing

I will ever

do 

im-promp-tu

I asked

my auto-mechanic

to check a mole

on my shoulder

and he told me, he’d

never seen anything

like it before.

.

---

Cut the legs off

your pants and

now you have a

pair of shorts.

***

But, friend—

have you noticed?

***

You now have two

Abraham Lincoln

hats, too.