A man

is never

standing

so tall

as when

he is

standing

on stilts.

 

As a kid I wanted to

be a magician,

but magic tricks were

really expensive.

So I had to improvise.

***

I’d go to Mervyn’s

department store,

and thinking myself sly,

I’d say

***

“I’d like to buy one

handkerchief, please,

— that is connected to

a hundred other

handkerchiefs.”

.

 

I’m an easy-going

guy.

If faced with

execution, and

asked if I had

any last words,

I’d just shake

my head and say,

***

“Nah, let’s just enjoy the moment.”

.

---

2.

Each time my dad

would return from a

business trip

he’d always bring

me a present.

***

Sometimes it was

a pull tab,

***

or a bottle top,

***

or bits of string,

***

or some paper clips.

***

Then one day my mom

told me that he wasn’t

my real dad but a crow.

***

And worse,

***

they were splitting up.

.

After I died, I was sent

to a way station on Mars

to pick up a new body.

***

But absentminded me,

when I got back to

earth I noticed that I

had left it behind.

***

So back I went to Mars

to retrieve the body

***

When I located it,

it was in pretty rough

shape. In my absence,

it had been found &

partially eaten by a

pack of Inbetweeners.

***

And that is how I got

all these bite marks.

***

Anyway, it definitely wasn’t Rex.

I always thought

time was on my side,

but it appears I was

played for a chump.

As you are,

no doubt, aware-

***

I have always greatly

admired the writers

A.A. Milne and

E.E. Cummings.

***

And so, to honor them,

going forward, I, too,

will begin my name using

identical double-initials

***

Thank you.

***

Signed,

Respectfully,

A.A. E.E. George Raymond

.

---

 

“Dance!”

said the Outlaw,

and he fired his

gun near the feet

of the Stranger.

***

Blam! Blam! went the Outlaw’s gun.

***

Nearby, his gang of

ne’er do wells,

whooped and cheered

at the spectacle

***

“Dance!” said the Outlaw, again

***

And, so, … the Stranger danced.

***

And danced.

***

And danced.

***

And it was beautiful.

***

Unlike anything

the Outlaw gang

had ever —

or, would ever —

see again.

***

And the men began to weep, 

***

for they knew

this truth in

their hearts.

***

Then, wiping away their tears,

the gang looked around,

***

the Stranger had gone!

***

There was a moment

of confused silence,

then the Outlaw asked,

***

“Who was that Stranger?”

***

Came a voice from

the back of the room,

***

“The Lone Dancer!”

.

I owe a huge debt

to the IRS.

They pulled

my mother

from a

burning car!

 

Listen up, Jerks!

***

Don’t you hate it

when you have to

apologize for something

you said, even

though, deep down,

you really don’t

regret saying it?

***

Well, me, too.

***

And, hey —

***

I’m sorry I called you all jerks.

.

---

2.

---

3.

“Bless You”

would be

a good slogan

for the

pepper industry