As a kid

I figured that

by to-day

we’d all be

traveling in

rocket ships

to the store.

I used to keep

a mousetrap in

my jacket pocket

in order, to

catch pick-pockets.

***

Then one day

it went ‘snap!’

And I pulled out

the mouse-trap,

but, to my surprise,

it was not the

hand of a thief

I caught

***

but an actual mouse!

***

Then it occurred to me,

maybe, I shouldn’t have

left that piece of cheese

on it

.

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2.

bigbaitcatchesbigrat

Did you know

that the

Frankincense monster

was not named

Frankincense.

That was just what

he smelled like.

If you ever

see a giant

cheese rolling

down the street

***

Get out of its way!

***

Because who knows what

the hell is going on.

I had a dream I

was back in the

fourth grade, and

everyone was

laughing at me.

***

I was standing in

the classroom,

in my under-pants.

***

And I wondered

how I failed to

notice this earlier.

***

Was I wearing

shoes and socks?

Yes!

***

But why was I wearing

them on my hands?!!

And who tied them?!

***

Then, the teacher comes in

and says

“It’s time for the big test!

***

“Big test?!” I said,

I forgot to study!

***

Then the teacher

exploded into a

thousand bats!

***

And then I woke up.

***

Covered in sweat.

***

And was I like,

Whew! Yeh,

***

I remember that day.

Growing up,

my mom would

buy me these

nutrition sticks.

***

The ad said, “It’s what astronauts eat”

And that was good enough for me.

***

But — they discontinued

that product a long time ago,

***

and yet, there are still astronauts.

***

Which leads me to my question,

Are we feeding them or what?

.

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2.

I always suspected

the nuns at my

Catholic school

were all secretly,

Pavlovianists.

***

Before they

would hit us

with a ruler

***

they would first ring a bell

***

And, then, after a while,

all they had to do

was ring the bell.

And we would all welt.

I went to a

garage sale

run by a man who

had no bones

***

He just hung there

on a clothes line,

held with clips,

***

flapping about in the wind,

***

making deals.

***

And I was sorting thru

a box of things for sale

***

when I came upon an

entire human skeleton.

***

“Hey”, I said to him,

***

“you don’t want this anymore?”

I once ran away

to join the circus

***

only to have the

circus run away to

join my family

***

So then I tried to join my family, too

***

but Mom had

already given

my room to

the bearded lady.

.

---

2.

A hearty thanks.

Photo courtesy of

cfMC FEROX, of S.F. Ca.

author of

The Font In The Forever Channel

IF the guy who

invented the

Heimlich Maneuver

***

was ever at a cafe,

when somebody

began choking

***

I could easily see

him getting a little

cocky about it.

***

“Looks like it’s time for the ‘me’ maneuver.”

.

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2.