Did you know

that the

Frankincense monster

was not named

Frankincense.

That was just what

he smelled like.

If you ever

see a giant

cheese rolling

down the street

***

Get out of its way!

***

Because who knows what

the hell is going on.

I had a dream I

was back in the

fourth grade, and

everyone was

laughing at me.

***

I was standing in

the classroom,

in my under-pants.

***

And I wondered

how I failed to

notice this earlier.

***

Was I wearing

shoes and socks?

Yes!

***

But why was I wearing

them on my hands?!!

And who tied them?!

***

Then, the teacher comes in

and says

“It’s time for the big test!

***

“Big test?!” I said,

I forgot to study!

***

Then the teacher

exploded into a

thousand bats!

***

And then I woke up.

***

Covered in sweat.

***

And was I like,

Whew! Yeh,

***

I remember that day.

Growing up,

my mom would

buy me these

nutrition sticks.

***

The ad said, “It’s what astronauts eat”

And that was good enough for me.

***

But — they discontinued

that product a long time ago,

***

and yet, there are still astronauts.

***

Which leads me to my question,

Are we feeding them or what?

2.

I always suspected

the nuns at my

Catholic school

were all secretly,

Pavlovianists.

***

Before they

would hit us

with a ruler

***

they would first ring a bell

***

And, then, after a while,

all they had to do

was ring the bell.

And we would all welt.

I went to a

garage sale

run by a man who

had no bones

***

He just hung there

on a clothes line,

held with clips,

***

flapping about in the wind,

***

making deals.

***

And I was sorting thru

a box of things for sale

***

when I came upon an

entire human skeleton.

***

“Hey”, I said to him,

***

“you don’t want this anymore?”

I once ran away

to join the circus

***

only to have the

circus run away to

join my family

***

So then I tried to join my family, too

***

but Mom had

already given

my room to

the bearded lady.

.

2.

A hearty thanks.

Photo courtesy of

cfMC FEROX, of S.F. Ca.

author of

The Font In The Forever Channel

IF the guy who

invented the

Heimlich Maneuver

***

was ever at a cafe,

when somebody

began choking

***

I could easily see

him getting a little

cocky about it.

***

“Looks like it’s time for the ‘me’ maneuver.”

.

2.

If a tree

falls in

the forest

and no one

is there,

that

is still

one

clumsy tree.

If you should ever

catch on fire, they say

you should immediately

“Stop, Drop and Roll”

***

But, while they may

say “Roll” they do not

say in which direction.

So I would add

***

” … away from me.”

.