“Glub, glub” said the drowning man.
But nobody in
the pool noticed.
Because that was Glub-Glub,
& that is what he
was always saying.
Category: Humor
Ribbons & toes
For the Christmas of
my sixteenth year,
I wanted one thing over all else.
It was my most brilliant idea, too.
***
So much so, I went straight to
the place of my parents work,
and bounding in,
immediately declared that
I wanted a new car for Christmas.
***
My dad and mom both stopped working,
and looked over at me.
My mom put down her coal shovel.
***
“Why do you think you deserve a new car?” My mom asked.
***
“Well, I said, thoughtfully,
“all of my friends have new cars.”
***
But my mom was clever and
prepared for such an answer.
“If all of your friends
were to jump off a bridge,” she asked,
“would you?”
***
“No.” I replied.
***
“All right,” she said.
“But would you for a new car?”
***
PART II
***
That Christmas morning
I awoke to find a long
red ribbon tied to my big toe.
What’s this? I asked myself.
Could it be?
***
Excitedly, I got out of bed
& began to follow the ribbon as it
led me out of my room.
***
The ribbon led me:
***
down the hallway,
into the living room,
past the Christmas tree,
into the foyer
out the front door,
over the moat,
across the yard, and
into our driveway (!)
***
Where it then
double-backed
up and around a tree,
before …
***
going back across the yard,
over the moat,
through the front door,
into the foyer
past the Christmas tree,
through the living room,
down the hallway, and
back into my room.
***
Where,
to my great disappointment,
I discovered that it was
tied to my other toe.
Finis.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The circus
I remember the Christmas
when the circus came to town.
A few of the kids in my class skipped school
to see the show.
***
There was a murmuring in the class as
those of us remaining
began to notice the growing number of
empty desks.
***
“Skipped school to see the circus?!”
We whispered among ourselves.
“Luckeee!“
***
However, the next day,
many of the desks remained empty, and
our teacher told us that our classmates were
in the hospital suffering from severe poisoning,
but they would be OK.
***
Furthermore, she explained,
it wasn’t the circus that was in town,
but a home that was being
fumigated for insects.
***
What?!
First shock.
And then astonishment.
Again, there was murmuring
among all the children …
***
“Skipped school to see a home being fumigated for insects?!”
We whispered among ourselves.
“Luckeee!”
To me
PART II
***
TO ME:
Though they are called,
‘disposable’ razors,
it doesn’t get any easier
the more time
you spend with them.
***
The bigger they are, the harder i run.
***
A watched pot never boils,
it only becomes
really self-conscious
***
Each time I watch the film,
Rashomon,
I see something different
***
Before getting assistance at a
magic store,
you should have to take a number.
Any number.
***
Representing myself in court
would be like
having a really good
looking fool for a lawyer.
***
Having
“good old fashioned horse-sense,”
stops at eating hay.
***
What is the point of owning an
infinity pool,
when I know I’ll never live long
enough to get its full effect?
***
It seems like the dinosaurs had it coming.
TO ME.
Happy Thanksgiving!
“Big Cats in Humboldt”
by Mary Cellini
©2020 all rights reserved
Slap-dash
If magnets really have
the power to heal,
then the refrigerator at my mom’s house is
going to run for-ever.
I’m thinking about the things we used to do that rhymed,
like riding a bus,
tightening a truss,
waving at Russ,
yes, I’m thinking about the things we used to do that rhymed
Two after midnight
1.
I don’t think
it has ever
been fully explained,
why the Frankenstein monster
wore lifts.
2.
I think I could
out-run the Mummy.
And handedly, too.
I might even slow down a bit
to let the Mummy catch-up.
That way,
at the end of the day,
we both have
a story to tell.
Happy Halloween!
Circus Wars
Lo! The ‘great’ war
between the two
circus companies was
about to commence.
***
The Ringmaster called for the clowns,
he called for the geeks,
he called for the flying elephants and the ferocious lions.
“Suit up and arm ye-selves,” He cried.
“We’ll teach those second-rate interlopers!
***
Several hundred yards away
the other circus was fast asleep.
***
Said the Ringmaster,
“Bison Bob’s Wild West Vaudeville & Indian War Battle Reenactment Show
will rue the day
they ever heard the name,
Col. Beauregard ‘s Famous Flying Traveling Circus & Side Show Supreme of 1873!“
***
At that moment,
the strongman wheeled out
the mighty circus cannon, and aimed it
across the river,
toward the location of the
rival circus.
***
“Fire” Said the Ringmaster.
***
Boom went the cannon!
***
Aaaaaghhhhhhhhhhh! cried the human cannonball.
PROMOTED AD
The gargling man
My pre-school years
were spent at the Torino apartments,
in San Carlos, California,
which was about a full days journey outside
of San Francisco, by ocean liner.
***
Those years total some of my
most beloved child-hood memories,
even if, after all this time,
they are less whole memories
than they are just
unconnected fragments of things
that I am fairly certain happened to me.
***
Nevertheless,
I can still remember
few people from
that apartment building.
***
There was Josh, he was my age,
and lived in an apartment upstairs
from ours, and Josh had
more monopoly game board money
than anybody I had ever met,
before or since.
***
There was Mette,
who was a little younger than myself,
and my most complete memory of her
was that she always seemed to have
a couple of lego pieces handy,
if needed,
and, indeed, some-times they were.
***
Then there was the Gargling Man …
He loved in our building, as well,
and he was the great mystery of
my early days on this planet.
***
“… And the Gargling Man gargles.
Gargling his life away.
How many times
did he gargle to-day?
1 … 2 … 3 … 4 …5 …“
(from a 19th century French children’s jump rope song.)
***
Now there two schools of thought on the who and what of the Gargling Man.
I.
It could be that,
in the design of the apartment building,
his bathroom was close to my bedroom,
and so, it goes to say,
the only time I would have been aware of
his presence was when he was in the bathroom,
getting ready for work,
or, preparing for bed.
Or, …
II.
And this is my particular school of thought,
maybe the Gargling Man was just always gargling.
***
Which is correct?
No one can say.
***
My mom swears
I am totally exaggerating the entire thing,
in particular this next part,
which she claims I
“cut from whole cloth”.
But I know what I saw.
***
For this one time,
I happened to be coming out
of my apartment,
when at the exact same time,
the Gargling Man was coming out of his.
Startled, I took an immediate step back.
For there he was,
as tall as a tree,
head cocked slightly back,
mouth wide open,
minty smell.
Gargling.
***
I squeaked a hello.
He glanced, nodded,
and said, “Hng-gar-o”.
***
I swear that is true.
***
But then, just like that,
one day the Gargling Man was gone.
I’d lay in my bed at night and
listen for the tell-tale sounds,
but there were none.
***
And for our time left remaining in the building,
a part of me continued to wonder … and worry.
***
“What will become of the Gargling Man?”
I would ask my dad.
But he would just look at me funny and say,
“I have no idea what that boy is talking about.”
***
Then, I guess, I forgot all about it.
***
That is, until one night,
many years later.
I was much older,
having just returned home for Winter break from college.
***
I happened to be up late,
watching a popular late night host on TV,
and the announcer said,
“Next up, actor, Mike Lookinland.”
***
But I must have mis-heard him,
because for a second,
I thought the announcer had said,
the ‘Gargling Man’.
***
And for that one moment in time,
I was so fucking proud.
the author, at about that same time.
Up the chain
I once joined a UFO cult.
My initiation was, surprisingly, very brief
***
I signed some papers,
was fitted for a robe,
the leader said a few words,
and then I was immediately handed
a small dixie-cup of poison.
***
Poison?!
Of course, I was aghast!
I said, hold on, one minute, folks,
I thought we built towards this.
.
“Taughannock Falls”
by Mary Cellini
©2020
Trefology’s on the moon
I dreamt that I was an astronaut
on the moon.
***
There I was, in my moon-suit,
searching for moon-rocks,
when what did I find,
stuck on the bottom of my space-boot,
but the most curious thing
I had ever seen on the moon,
a pirate treasure map!
***
Buried treasure on the moon?
But where?
***
It seemed too fantastic to be true.
Was I dreaming?
I asked Mission Control to pinch me, to be sure,
but they said my suit was not equipped
for remote pinches.
***
Too bad, I thought.
But, no matter, anyway,
because my life as an inter-stellar explorer of new worlds was about to get
a whole lot less boring.
***
Imagine, only 48 hours earlier,
I had landed on the moon,
without a dime in my pocket,
and, now, by an incredible twist of fate,
I would return to earth,
with enough treasure for a million dimes
and a million pockets.
***
But it was not without resistance, as
NASA urgently pleaded for me
to ‘get my head on straight’ and
return to earth immediately,
or risk being stranded on the moon
forever!
***
Return to earth without my moon-treasure?
Unlikely!
There was treasure to be found!
But where?
***
Three weeks to the moon-day, later,
I was no closer to finding the treasure
than I had been at the start.
But it was then
I noticed something …
***
Printed on the flip side of the treasure map,
was the second
most curious thing
I had ever seen on the moon:
a children’s lunch menu!
***
Suddenly, all the pieces began to fall into place:
the crossword puzzle,
the find-a-word,
Captain Hardee’s ™ suggestion
I ask my parents for
permission to use crayons.
***
“Good Lord”, I said to myself.
‘Choke’
“This is a children’s placemat!
***
Oh, woe is my tale, dear readers.
What had I done?!”
My hunt for moon-treasure was over.
My spirit crushed.
I was tired, deflated, stranded
and hungry.
***
And it was right about then, an order
of Captain Hardee’s ™ chicken fingers
was starting to sound pretty good
***
I grabbed the placement
and put it in my top space-pocket.
“NASA, I think I will staying a little bit longer”, I said, confidently,
to no one in particular.
Above me the lights flickered.
***
There was a Hardee’s to be found!
But where?
our first adventure outside since March
