When my Magic 8-ball tells me to

“Ask again later”

***

I assume it’s because

the demon that lives

inside the magic 8-ball

is probably

busy taking a bath,

***

or ironing a shirt.

***

or baking a cake

***

But, look — I know

I’m being ridiculous.

***

Because, really–

that demon could

be busy doing

literally anything.

.

---

2

I have decided to

put-off ALL further

confrontations until

after I am no more.

***

Going forward,

if someone tries

to start something

with me, I’ll say,

***

“Friend, let’s have this conversation, later, in heaven.”

***

Then, later,

in heaven,

if I run into

them again,

I’ll just say,

***

“You know what?

***

This is really a conversation for back on earth.”

.

 

The employee

turn-around at

the revolving-

door factory

was dizzying.

.

My high school

swimming coach

used to tell us

the same thing

before every match

***

“Even the most experienced swimmer can drown in three feet of water.”

***

Which is true.

***

But, of course,

***

our swimming

coach was only

two feet tall

***

So it mostly

applied to him.

.

Say, friend,

***

have you ever taken

a vacation that

was so crazy,

***

that when it was done,

***

you had to take

a vacation from

the vacation?!

***

If you have,

***

tell me this,

***

Where do you work?

.

---

I used to know

the happiest guy

in the world.

***

He was always whistling

a happy tune. He’d say,

“Whistling makes the gloomiest day seem bright”

***

And he whistled while he worked.

***

He whistled while he ate.

***

He whistled while he rested.

***

And he whistled while you

were trying to talk to him.

***

In fact—

I only knew him not

to whistle one time.

And that was when I

slapped the whistle

out of his dumb mouth.

.

---

A Merry Christmas, A Chairful Holiday, A Blithesome Trefmas, and a Happy New Y’ar to Some of You!

 

I remember the

Christmas I

asked for

Lincoln Logs.

***

That’s all I wanted

***

Lincoln Logs

***

But my folks were

practical people,

***

and instead of Lincoln Logs,

***

they got me

some Eisenhower

artificial

wood-paneling.

***

So, on

Christmas morning,

while my friends

were playing with

their Lincoln Logs,

building

forts and cabins

***

I was re-doing the den.

.

Department

stores should

have a Santa

just for

ventriloquist

dummies.

---

If, one day,

I wake up and

discover that

I have been

accidentally

buried alive,

the first thing

I’m going to

do — is panic.

 

If I ever get a

flesh-eating disease,

I’m going to slather

some chocolate on me,

and see if it starts

eating that, instead.