Why do people

always ask me if

I’m sitting down

before telling me

bad news?

***

What if it’s

news is that

my favorite chair

has been stolen.

***

Sitting, then—

would just compound

my sadness

.

---

2.Our founder relaxes in isolation with a good book, a pipe and a sunny attitude

 

After carefully

weighing all of

my options,

***

I used my one wish,

granted to me

by the genie, for

one million fishes.

***

The genie nodded

and said,

“I here-by grant you

one million wishes!”

***

I shook my head

in frustration.

I said, “f-i-s-h-e-s!

One million fishes!”

***

The genie said

nothing and just

stared at me.

***

Then it hit me —

this guy wasn’t

listening to me at ALL.

 

 

 

 

 

When camping,

to ward off

scavenging bears,

it is recommended

that you hang

your food high in

the trees.

Because the food

will appear to

be floating. And

if there is one

thing that

frightens bears

the most, it’s

unexplained phenomena.

.

---

2.

Seen near the Nevada border

They say that

when the head is

severed from

the body there

sometimes remain

a single moment

of consciousness

***

If that is true,

and I was to

be guillotined

***

My severed

head dropped

into a basket

***

I pray I won’t

find another

severed-head

already in it

***

because that would freak me out. 

.

---

Keep circulating the URL

I remember when a

kid in my class

accidentally jammed

a pencil in his eye.

***

Our substitute teacher

immediately cracked a

wise one.

***

Said he,

“Hey, you’re not a Scantron-sheet!”

***

And everyone laughed.

Even the kid.

***

Long story short —

they couldn’t

save the eye.

.

---

 

I’ll never forget

the day the old

molasses plant

exploded. I got

stuck in traffic.

And then, later—

I got stuck on

the side-walk.

.

---

Keep circulating the URL.

 

 

When I die

bury me with the contents

of my kitchen drawer,

anything in my pockets,

and anything found

on the floor.

Don’t make it complicated.

Don’t make a fuss.

Just toss them all together,

and on the tombstone write:

“Miscellaneous.”

.

---

Keep circulating the URL

My grandpa wore

fishing lures every day,

fastened to his hat.

***

There were pink ones,

and green ones,

and blue ones,

and yellow ones.

***

Some were shaped like fish,

and some not at all.

***

But so far as I can tell

he was never known to

have caught anything.

***

Nothing at all.

***

Except that one

time when grandpa

removed his hat

too quickly

***

And how on that day,

grandpa caught an

entire human scalp.

.

---

2.

I know that

even if I was

bitten by a

rattle-snake,

I could never

stay mad at it

for very long.

Probably the

number one rule

with magic

flying-carpets,

is not to

suddenly lean back.