If I were facing the electric chair

I’d probably try to hide a few slices of

fat back in my pockets,

and let my accusers think

I died smelling delicious

I have a

perfect

photographic

memory.

***

I’ll give you an example:

***

You could lend

me a book,

I’d read it, and then,

return it to you.

***

Then,

one year later,

you could

come to me

with that same

book, and

I could tell you

***

precisely

***

if that book

had any

photographs in it.

The doctor said,

“This might hurt a bit.”

***

And then he

cold-cocked me.

***

Later,

after I came to,

***

the doctor told me

getting “concerned” about

that “black eye”.

.

---

 

My pet peeve

is when my dog

takes issue

with something

I’ve done

Stare too

long into

the abyss

and you may find

Ed Harris

staring back

at you

I asked my dentist

to clean my teeth

& she said,

what am I your fucking maid?

Abridged from Grade II Workbook© Section IV Part I & II

GRADE II

SECTION IV PART I

ANTHROPOMORPHIC KEY-TECH

Ability Gained: For a being to be able to find their lost keys within minutes of losing them. The ability to recall with perfect fluidity the last place you left your keys. To be able to stay in communication with your keys. May also give the student the power of invisibility. 

---

page two

Basics: If you’re like me * you are probably tired of always misplacing your car keys, sunglasses, dog &c. You search all around your dingy apartment or your foul home & what happens? You end up finding your keys in the last place you would think to look! It’s frustrating, right? ** Trefology has a solution. 

I got tired of always finding my keys in the last place I looked. So, now, I keep my keys

in the last place I look.

Here is how you can, too

Step I – Lose keys

Step II – Find keys in last place you would think to look

Step III – Invisibility?

Having completed this action (between 20 to 25 minutes) Now ask yourself, “Where are my keys?” Were they in the last place you thought to look? Yes. They were in the mayonnaise jar. Just where you had left them! In the future return those keys to the mayonnaise jar! 

---

page three

SECTION IV PART I.5

EXERCISES

Step One: Intentionally lose keys, or place keys in spot not normally a key resting spot

Step Two:  Look around the room, as if looking for your keys. It is important not to let the keys in on your plan.

Make the demand. “Keys. Come to Papa-Mama”¹

 ¹ Keys, while phallic in nature, are essentially sexless & we do not want to confuse them unnecessarily with gender roles

If keys are not forthcoming, point at the keys and say, “FLUNK!”

Then stomp your foot and demand to know where your keys have gone.

Make the Demand. “Papa-Mama wants keys!”

If still no movement on the part of keys, repeat “Papa! Mama! Papa! Mama! Papa! Mama! Papa! Mama!” This is to remind the keys who is talking to them.

Step Three: If keys have not yet responded to your voice. Go to where the keys are, pick them up, look at them directly and say, “FLUNK!”

Step Four: Write up confession of impotence to Instructor.

Step Five: Ring either the Success bell or the Flunk bell per the Instructor

Step Six: (To be done in front of classroom) Jumping Jacks

That’s it! Congratulations!

Flunk!

* or not like me

** do not answer. not even in your head.

A penny

saved is

ridiculous.

I never

laugh at

Death,

I laugh

with

Death.