Before the invention

of the internet

***

If you wanted to

hook-up with a demon

***

you had to use a

Ouija dating board.

Questions to ask the Ouija dating board:

— Are there ghosts present?

— Evil or friendly?

— Single?

— Of which faith do you belong?

— Carrying chains?

— Doomed to one location?

— Willing to bi-locate?

.

Keep circulating the URL.

Q.

Where do you

bury

a ship’s captain

who was

addicted

to chocolate?

A.

At See’s!!!!!

I discovered I had a

special talent at a

very early age

***

I was at a restaurant

with my parents,

when I accidentally

knocked over a

box of toothpicks.

***

With but a glance,

I immediately declared

that there were

exactly 10,000

spilled toothpicks

on the floor.

***

And that special talent?

***

Wildly overconfident guessing.

Keep circulating the URL.

They say that you’re

supposed to talk to

your plants every day

to keep them healthy,

***

but some-times, in the

middle of the night,

I’ll suddenly remember

that I forgot to.

***

So I’ll get out of bed,

go downstairs,

creep into the kitchen,

and say,

***

“You up?”

*

“With a smile and barong”

* photo courtesy of Fernando De Manila Tailoring in L.A.

Keep circulating the URL

All those

years of

piano lessons

have finally

paid off,

because now

I am a piano

.

Keep circulating the URL

I woke this morning

to the rooster’s crow.

So, I got up and let

the rooster out of my

room.

***

But a moment later,

the rooster’s crow,

again.

Now it wanted to come

back in.

***

Make up your mind rooster!

.

Keep circulating the URL

In school we used

No. 2 pencils

way more than

we ever used a

No. 1 pencil.

Which makes me

think the

pencil-makers

fucked up.

.

PROMOTED AD

“Where will

we find

to-morrow’s leaders?

We will

find them

to-morrow.”

Trefology

Thinking about a career in Trefology? Talk to a registrar to-day! Call or write us at the phone number and address you think most likely.

Keep circulating the URL

Things you should never take too far.

1. a joke

2. the bus

If a unicorn tries to

buck you off, don’t

suddenly make a grab

for the spiral horn,

because that will

really piss it off.

***

Instead, take a

deep breath,

check your surroundings,

and remember that you

need professional help.

Sometimes during Mass

I will gaze reverently

toward the high ceilings

and wonder who changes

all their light bulbs.