I was once 

considered a

‘person of interest’

for a crime,

***

but then the police

interviewed a guy

who could play guitar

with his feet,

***

and suddenly, all the interest went to him.

I think I have

always loved

making things.

***

As a young boy

my parents could leave

me alone all day long

with nothing but a stack

of construction paper,

glue, and some scissors,

***

and, brother, that

was all I needed to

make a big mess

.

---

.

.

We were a poor family but

we were rich in spankings.

***

“Just wait until your father comes home!” my mother would say.

***

And knowing a spanking was

imminent, I would go to the

study and grab the thickest

book I could find, and then

stuff it in my pants. 

***

And then, when my

father finally got home

and heard what I had done,

***

he’d storm into my room,

pull me over his knee,

yank down my pants —

***

And then get lost in a good book.

***

“Son, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you …

***

‘They call me Ishmael.'”

.

---

2.

.

 

IF you some-

times have trouble

remembering

important things,

try making a

rhyme out of it!

***

For example:

I always had

trouble

remembering

which

socks to wear.

***

So, I say,

***

Find a sock on the street,

don’t put it on your feet.

Find a sock in your drawer,

put it on for sure.

***

Now you try it at home.

All of

my

friend

-ships

with ducks

event

-ually

go south.

---

PROMOTED AD

How to Join the International Society of Trefologists

To become a member of the ISOT (International Society of Trefologists) one must first answer a series of questions.

***

Shall we commence?

***

BEGINNING of QUESTION ONE & TWO

***

1.) Have you ever had an un-kind thought about Trefology’s founder George Raymond?

a. Yes.

b. Yes, but only on Opposite Day

2.) When your lunch bag is missing from the office refrigerator do you automatically assume Trefology’s founder, George Raymond has eaten it?

a. Assume? I know he did!

b. (see a.)

***

END of QUESTION ONE & TWO

***

---

JOIN THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY OF TREFOLOGISTS

As George Raymond said over two hundred years ago,
"Help me! I've gone back in time!"

***

The Few. The Fewer. The ISOT.

I come from

a strict

Shakespearean

family.

My mother was

played by an

adolescent

boy in drag.

.

---

Keep circulating the URL

there will come

a time when your

name will be

spoken aloud for

the last time in

all eternity.

And that happened

to me when I was

in my mid-twenties

---

2.

---

3.

I bet it was

a pirate who

invented the

diving board.

I cannot think of

anything sadder

than seeing a

Sloppy Joe,

all spruced up smart,

and wearing a

little bow-tie.

Because —

Where do you think you’re going?

There is

not

a prison

that can

hold me

the way

that I

want to

be held

.

---

Keep circulating the URL

My Ex waltzed back

into my life to

show off her new

dance trophy.

*

---

2.

*

---

3.

I’ve eaten at a

Der Wienerschnitzel

more times than I

have spelled it correctly.