How
can the
moon be
full,
it barely
eats.
.
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Teeth and gums and everything in-between
my favorite brand
of toothpaste is
Rembrandt toothpaste,
because it keeps
my teeth looking
dark and moody
with occasional
high-lights of gold.
Honk-honk
I remember when
my great grandmother
came to visit us
from the Old Country.
***
It was my nana’s
first trip abroad, and
her first trip anywhere
on her own.
***
My great grandfather
had died a year earlier
at the grand old age of
one hundred & nine,
when he was accidentally
crushed to death by
his own hat.
***
Fortunately for my nana
they had managed to save
a small fortune.
***
My great grandfather
never trusted banks, so
he kept all of his money
hidden in his mattress,
& he kept his mattress
in a money-market
account, in the hopes
that one day,
God willing, they would
have accrued enough
interest to buy
themselves something
comfortable to sleep
on.
***
But now
my great grandmother
used that money
to travel to the states
to begin a life anew.
***
Problem:
Nana spoke not a
word of English,
and we, in turn, spoke
not a word of
Old Country.
***
At first we hired a guy
to dub her voice for her.
But we could only afford
the guy who voiced the
Hercules movies, and when
we’d ask,
“How are you doing Grandma?’
She’d reply,
“Demtri, watch out for that boulder!”
***
Fortunately, my father
came up with a novel
solution, which came to
him after a night spent
watching Marx Brothers
films.
***
Like, Harpo Marx,
our nana could learn to
communicate with a
horn!
***
Problem: the only
horn we had was the
horn attached to my
father’s Cadillac.
***
This was solved by
moving my great grandmother
out of the back cottage
and into the garage.
***
And over time, she became
quite adept at communicating
with the car-horn.
***
What follows is a brief list of
what each car-honk meant.
***
One car honk: Can somebody bring old granny her tobacco?
Two car honks: Old granny is still waiting on her tobacco.
Three car honks: Did every-body forget about old granny?
Four car honks: Old granny is taking the caddy out to buy tobacco
***
Then came the holidays
and with relatives arriving
we knew we had to find a
better solution …
***
End of Part One
Honk-honk!
Jokes for kids
q.
Do you know why
it’s so hard
to get a
professional
magician’s license?
a.
Because
the test is
all trick
questions!!!
Author of myself
I do every-thing
by the book.
And that book
is titled,
How to Fuck Up Your Life
Revolutions
ONE day,
long after I have
shaved my last shave,
someone may turn to
someone else, and say,
“I bet George is
spinning in his grave.”
***
And no doubt
they will hit that square
on the chin,
for what else is there to
do in a grave, but spin?
***
Still, who can
reasonably say, I thought,
for maybe that day,
my plan was to stay
completely still, and rot
***
That is why my friends
I come to-day to tout
that my grave is to be
automated,
so as to erase all doubt.
***
Just press the button
on my tomb-stone,
you’ll be happy you enquired.
And what’s best,
the button is free
to press!
No offense in my name
required.
***
AND finally then,
my friend,
for certain you will know,
for six feet
under-ground,
there I go!
Round and round and
round
***
Weeee!
Three chairs for trefology
I know I tend to
preach to the choir,
but, deep down,
what I really want,
is just for them
to sing to me.
St. michael defend me in this dance battle
If I
see a van
a-rockin’
***
I don’t come
a-knockin’
***
unless, my car
the van’s
a-blockin’
All the cards
I saw an old horse jockey
riding the merry-go-round.
I asked him, “Is it as it was?”
***
The old jockey just smiled
a jockey smile—–and said,
“She’s got some life in her yet.”
***
Then as the ride began to
slow the old jockey pulled
on the reigns and said,
“Whoa.”
.
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The christmas lesson
I’ll never forget the
Christmas our parents
told us that, because
***
it had been a hard year,
financially, we could only
ask for one present each
***
So, that Christmas, all
that I asked for were
scarlet ribbons.
***
Pretty scarlet ribbons for my hair.
***
And come Christmas morning,
I got them, too. And they
were as beautiful as you may imagine.
***
My sister got a
new computer, though,
and, suddenly,
I realized what
I fool I’d been.
***
Stupid ribbons.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
IN this undated photo, Our Founder, deep in contemplation, relaxes by a warm fire, smoking a pretend pipe, and wondering, perhaps, what became of his actual pipe.
t r e f o l o g y 