Sometime I pinch

myself to be certain

I am not dreaming.

Then I say,

“Nope, my life really is this disappointing.”

Happy 79th Birthday, Mom!

.

… and, lastly, it seems to me ANY sandwich

brought onto a submarine is a submarine sandwich.

I once strayed

from the

path of success

only to be

attacked by

a werewolf.

“To die,

to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to

meet

Freddy Krueger.”

— Wm. Shakespeare

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

A friend of mine was

crossing the street

in East Hollywood

when he was struck

by a car and killed

***

They tell me that,

at the time, he’d

been wearing a

“Who farted?” T-shirt.

***

And that, for me,

somehow made it worse.

***

Because if movies have

taught me anything —

***

The clothes you die in

are the clothes you’ll

wear for all eternity.

***

So now, not only

will he never

know who farted,

***

… but he’ll be forever asking.

.

READ

THEM

ALL

2.

Dad.

3.

“Inside-out”

Written & performed by

George J. Raymond (related)

© 2022 all rights reserved

4.

I took myself too

far one day,

and filled up an

empty chamber.

Spun the wheel,

closed my eyes,

almost pulled the

trigger

***

Oh, what a night.

Oh, what a fight.

I went too far.

She took the car.

***

I was alone with

myself, seriously

doubting my

emotional health

***

Help! I cried out

That girl turned me

inside out.

***

Took advantage

of my collapse,

put the pistol in

the freezer

Grabbed some

ice,

a bottle of gin

found me a day

old pizza

***

Oh, what a night …

***

I was alone with myself …

***

Inside out, inside out

Inside out, inside out

Never thought

she’d go and leave me

inside out, inside out.

***

It must have

been the booze, or

something else

I started feeling

better,

grabbed my bike

and hit the road

***

I’ll find her

sooner or later.

***

Rainy night,

I was pretty tight,

ran the light,

never saw the car.

***

I was alone with myself …

When I order

a drink from

room service,

I always order

a drink for

every other room,

too,

because I hate

drinking alone.

.

.

MY favorite

comfort food is

a cheeseburger

on a gigantic

sesame seed bun

made out of a

pillow.

I suspect

salad dressing

harkens back to

a more

modest time in

our society

2.

3.

“Coconut for your coconut”

would be a good slogan for

the coconut milk industry.

q.

DO you know

what’s worse

than finding a

worm in

your apple?

a.

Finding that

same worm, later,

in the arms of

your betrothed!

.

DID you know that

Davy Crockett once

owned a pet cricket

named Davy Crickett?

***

Not many people do.

***

Maybe if the cricket

had stayed to fight

at the Alamo we’d know

more about him.

***

But as it is,

Davy Crickett

turned his tail

and skedaddled.

.

2.

I don’t know why

I keep a roach motel

under my kitchen sink.

***

At first I was optimistic

***

But it hasn’t caught

anything since they

moved the interstate.

***

Roaches still check-in

but they don’t stay long.