I once joined a UFO cult.

***

I recall my initiation

was very brief:

***

I signed over my

bank accounts

& credit cards.

***

I was fitted for

a red velvet robe

and sneakers.

***

I was introduced to

the Grand Fountainhead.

***

And then they

passed around

a celebratory

Dixie-cup full

of poison.

***

“Poison?” I said.

“Woah! —

Wait a moment,

wait a moment…

***

I thought we built towards that!”

.

.

---

2.

“Taughannock Falls”

by Mary Cellini

©2020

---

Keep circulating the URL

 

Say, friend —

***

did you know that the

stabbing pain you’re

feeling right now could

mean one of two things?

***

1. You have Postherpetic neuralgia.

***

Or, 2. You are being stabbed!

***

Here is how you

decide which it is,

and which it isn’t

***

Ask yourself — Does my

family have a history of

postherpetic neuralgia?

***

If no, then ask, Is

there somebody stabbing me?

***

If the answer is Yes,

then it’s time get

the facts about “Stabs”

***

THE FACTS ABOUT THE STABS:

***

Q. I’m a vegetarian.

A. Stabs don’t care!

***

Q. I exercise daily

A. Stabs don’t care!

***

Q. I am Julius Caesar.

A. Stabs don’t care!

***

Q. I don’t have a history of being stabbed.

A. Stabs don’t care!

***

Get checked! Someone just may be stabbing you!

 

---

Keep circulating the URL

 

 

I remember the day I

returned from school and

my dog Pepper did not

greet me at the door. 

***

Then my father sat me down

and reminded me that Pepper

had been with the family

since before I was born

***

And — as such, Pepper decided

it was time for her to

retire to a farm upstate

***

Furthermore, my dad said,

“Pepper told me to tell you, personally — Good-bye. And thank you.”

***

I started to cry,

but then mom appeared

and presented me with

a new puppy!

Which I named, Pepper 2.

***

And just like that all my

suspicions faded away.

***

— Until later that night.

It was just a past my bed-time,

when the phone rang.

***

I answered it.

***

It was Pepper.

***

She barked and whimpered into the phone.

***

“Pepper, is that you? I asked.

“Are you ok, girl?”

***

Then a voice:

“Get that receiver away from Pepper!”

***

And then the line went dead.

***

It was then I knew father had lied.

.

 

 

 

I awoke in my bed and

suddenly remembered

I had left a pie

cooling on the windowsill.

***

So I got up, went

into the kitchen,

opened the light, and gasped!

***

My delicious pie

was covered in ants!

***

This surprised me.

For though I was aware

I had an ant problem,

I didn’t think they

kept such late hours.

***

Nevertheless,

as a result,

now I had a major

ant problem

***

And what to do? I had not a clue

***

I remembered a friend

telling me —

“Ants hate cinnamon.”

***

And while that

is quite shocking,

I wasn’t looking

for another reason

to hate ants.

***

It was time to take action.

(to be continued)

*

---

PROMOTED AD

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---

if someone wants me to finish this by all means let me know.

— g.

01/26

My father had

a system for

removing loose teeth.

***

First, he’d take some string …

***

Loop it.

***

Then tie one end

of the string to

the tooth.

***

And the other end

to a doorknob.

***

Then he’d chuck

the doorknob out

the window.

***

We’d all watch the as

the doorknob and tooth

sailed across the yard

***

Then a clinking sound

as it hit one or two of

the other doorknobs.

***

“That’s one for the fire,” he’d say.

.

---

Keep circulating the URL

I told my enemy,

Alexamenos, that if

I should out-live

him, I would dance on

his grave.

***

“Over my dead body you’ll dance!”

said Alexamenos.

***

“Exactly,” I responded.

***

And, lo! I out-lived him.

And I danced on his grave.

Dear reader you have never

seen such

graceful grave dancing.

***

But here is the strange part.

***

For when I had

finished dancing.

I swear to you —

I thought I heard

muted applause!

***

And that was

when something

occurred to me —

***

That in the end,

I may not have

liked him,

but the guy knew

what was good.

.

---

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will trefology save you in time?

---

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I grew up in a poor family.

***

Poor, but un-happy.

***

I remember, most-days,

we didn’t have two

nickels to rub together.

***

But I remember, too,

those times, when we

did have two nickels

***

And how we’d

rub them together

all night long. 

.

---

Read Trefology

 

One evening,

while driving down an old highway,

I picked up a mysterious hitchhiker.

I asked him where he was headed,

and in a deep voice,

he told me he was going to Memphis

to see his mama.

***

Now this hitchhiker was very polite,

always replying with a

“Yes, Sir”, or a “No, Ma’am”,

depending on the question or

how the lights of the passing cars

reflected off my eyes.

***

I asked him his name, and

he laughed softly to himself, and replied,

“Let’s just say it rhymes with Presley.“

Then he gave gave me a wink.

***

I immediately began making guesses,

“Tresley?

Quesley?

Frezley?

Schlessley?

Zezzley?”

But the mysterious hitchhiker only

winked again

and asked me to stop making guesses.

***

He told me that life had taught him

a valuable lesson,

which he would reveal to me,

if I was willing to listen.

***

I said, no, but

he began to weave a tale, anyway,

which I will relate to you now:

***

The mysterious hitchhiker

told me that many years ago,

he had willingly given up the

august spot-light,

and the adulation of millions

for anonymity and adventure.

He traveled the world several times

and again, solving crimes,

and exploring mysteries,

like, living for forty days and

forty nights in

the Pacific Northwest wilderness,

searching for Bigfoot!

***

At the end of his journey,

with no sightings of the mythical beast,

the hitchhiker concluded,

that maybe Bigfoot was a thing

that could only be ‘found’

when searching within oneself.

***

Nevertheless,

when the hitchhiker returned home,

he found a note from Bigfoot

that read,

“Just stopped by to say, Hello. But you were out.

Yours,

‘Bigfoot’“

***

But then, as an afterthought,

on the flip-side,

Bigfoot mentioned that he hoped

the hitchhiker was not hiding out

somewhere

in the Pacific Northwest wilderness

just to avoid paying back

the $40 he owed him.

***

This, of course, was not true, for as,

the hitchhiker had previously noted,

it was he who had been looking for him!

***

 Unfortunately, for the hitchhiker,

Bigfoot, had taken the opportunity

to crash at the hitchhikers pad for

several weeks: eating all of his food,

breaking all of his chairs,

and doodling all over his

expensive personal stationary.

***

What was worse,

Bigfoot

had run also off with his ‘old lady’.

***

This surprised the hitchhiker

the most of all,

because he had always thought

his old lady worshipped the ground

he walked on.

And, in a way, he was right,

as she would eventually leave Bigfoot,

and move in with

a piece of ground.

.

PART TWO

.

***

The hitchhiker grew sullen and he

turned his attention back to

looking out the car window.

***

As we passed though a small town,

the hitchhiker interrupted my whistling

and asked if I could let him out

near a Ralph’s supermarket.

“I need to pick up some-thing for my mama,” he said.

***

I obliged, and pulled into the Ralph’s ample parking lot,

but after I had parked the car,

I suddenly realized that I was all alone.

The mysterious hitchhiker was gone!

***

What could it all mean?” I asked myself.

Then I noticed something on

the passenger seat.

It was the hitchhikers,

Ralph’s value club card.

Had the hitchhiker been trying to teach me

a lesson about savings?

It was just all too much for me to process.

***

Nevertheless,

I went into the store,

used his Ralph’s value club card and

saved fifty cents on paper towels,

and box of microwave sushi.

***

“Savings.” I said confidently,

as I walked my discounted loot up

to the counter.

***

As I paid for my items,

the grocery checker looked at the name

on the receipt

and said, “Thank you, Mr. Nestlé!”

I nodded,

struck a rock n roll pose,

curled my lip

and said,

“Thank-you-very-much.”

***

“Oh, all right,” said the checker.

.

CONCLUSION

.

***

Exactly ten years later to the day,

I was on the same road again,

and happened to stop at old highway diner

for breakfast.

***

There I overhead three truck drivers

talking about a

mysterious hitchhiker

they had all individually encountered.

***

“Trying to get home to his mama.” Said one.

“Disappeared into thin air” said the other.

“Looking for his Ralph’s value club card,”

said the third.

end.

---

Keep circulating the URL

Were you aware

that you and I

are breathing the

same molecules

once breathed by

Nebuchadnezzar,

Julius Caesar,

& Abraham Lincoln?

***

It staggers the mind.

***

Just those three.

***

Who can know why?

It was so hot in L.A.,

I saw a guy frying an egg

on the sidewalk.

***

I came back an hour later

and he was still frying

eggs on the sidewalk

***

Except now there was

a long line of people

standing in line to try one.

***

The strangest part —

the city awarded him an 

“A” grade. Which proves

what I always thought:

***

It’s all about who you know. 

.

---

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2.

Questions?

Trefology has the answers.

How many do you need?